Some cities aren’t as liberal as Philadelphia.  From time to time, our city involves us in things, like with public outreach, or police corruption.  This time, it’s the Phillies and Macy’s extending a challenge to those of us forever crouched over our sewing machines, fingers quivering with desire.

"I was wondering what the fuck this thing was."

Like any attendee of Citizens Bank Park, you probably need the rules of the facility explained to you over and over again.  Sure, by the end of the first inning, you probably have a pretty good handle on things (unless you’ve remained in McFadden’s, drowning in whiskey like a true fan).  But in 2010, we made it quite clear that minute facets of a CBP visit like “Stay off the field,” “Don’t give booze to children,” and “For fuck’s sake, stay off the field,” just weren’t registering.

That’s where the ball girls come in.  That planet-sized big screen they just installed will be lit up this summer with a brand new roster of ladies who are willing to inform you just what you can and cannot say/do/piss on on a nightly basis.

But they’re more than that!  They’re the ones out there risking their lives in the face of 110 mph line drives, and they can’t just dive out of the way or grab the nearest five-year-old to use as a human shield like a normal person.  If a ball comes their way, they need to juggle a glove and a metal folding chair as they beat a hasty retreat to the nearest safe zone, which honestly in this stadium is god knows where.

So the least we can do is give them a bad-ass wardrobe.

I’ve already shared my thoughts on what Phillies ball girls of the future should look like, but I fear there was one too many mentions of “mechanized Phanatic steeds” for me to be taken seriously.  Also, I’m far, far too busy with my series of panicked sobs ever since Stephen Strasburg started using his arm again.

Here are the rules.

  • Be 18.  Self-explanatory.
  • Live in what’s known as “The Small and/or Moderately-Sized Three;” Pennsylvania, New Jersey, or Delaware.  Suck it, West Virginia.  Just kidding.  Please don’t ride up here on a golf cart and eat my skin.
  • I meant 18 years old, not 18 different people.  Just so we’re clear.
  • Come up with a 3-5 minute DVD describing how great at fashion you are.  I suggest something radical, like wearing all of your clothes at once.
  • You should also probably explain what you plan to do for the uniform.
  • Do all of this within the next nine days.
  • Suck it, West Virginia.

Unwarranted state hatred aside, I know for a fact that Philadelphia is choked with wildly talented fashion designers.  Everyone of you, Phillies fans or not, should take a gander at this opportunity.  Just be sure to read an actual list of the rules at some point instead of this heinous joke version that I for some reason put in front of you.