Eagles Totally Defenseless at the Moment

This is just what it looks like when it wants to have sex. We're not allowed to show you it in mid-kill....
This is just what it looks like when it wants to have sex. We're not allowed to show you it in mid-kill.

In nature, the bald eagle strikes after instinctive calculation, with a furious clusterfuck of vicious talons and hideous shrieks.  Former Philadelphia Eagles defensive coordinator Sean McDermott put on a display with decidedly less splendor and patriotism this year, culminating in a first round loss in the playoffs and no dead musk rats to take home and throw up into his children’s mouths.

Sean McDermott is gone now, leaving the broken down wall surrounding the Eagles without anybody to wonder why it’s not effective.

This is just what it looks like when it wants to have sex. We're not allowed to show you it in mid-kill.

In the mean time, the Birds are trying to find out why no one else wants to step in.  Every candidate interviewed, or even considered, has found work elsewhere, or is currently prepping to play in the Super Bowl, and cannot be touched.  So, if you were hoping to spend this, another stagnant afternoon of winter’s feces dribbling from the heavens, wrapped in the consolation of a solid Eagles hire, I have shitty, shitty news:  You will not.

And Sean is now employed by the Carolina Panthers, which qualifies as “…good?” news for him, so the Eagles are left quite alone in the dark, with nobody to protect themselves.

The only amount of names that rivals “coaches not being hired by the Eagles” is the “number of defensive coaches leaving the Eagles.”  Four members of the staff have wandered off, with guys like Jim Mora, Mike Singletary, Dennis Allen, Dick Jauron, and Bill Davis all deciding that the Vikings, Browns, Broncos, or some other team is worth their time.  Which is probably true, but there have been enough instances of desertion and disinterest at this point to invoke my feelings of abandonment.

So, where exactly does that leave the Eagles defense?  Staring longingly at the Dallas skyline, but not just because of their wistful memories of the brief moment in time when they were eligible to play there next week.  That’s where the next guy to probably not be interested in the position currently is.

Meet Green Bay defensive line coach Mike Trgovac, whose name is so unpronounceable, all of his grade school teachers just fake-coughed right over it.  But I won’t dwell on this comedy gold mine, as Bob Ford at the Inquirer has already taken Mike to task on the lack of vowels in his name (to be fair, the first line of his biography on the Packers web site is the correct pronunciation of his name).  You can’t blame Ford, though; we’ve already been burned so many times in the past few weeks it makes sense for him to lash out like a kid being asked to adjust to another one of mom’s boyfriends.

Do people find better offers with other teams, or does nobody want to be the defensive coordinator for the Eagles?  It sounds ridiculous, but remember the Browns were one of the teams candidates chose over us.  So.  Don’t focus on that.

Focus on the fact that the stars, and Broncos, are aligning to subtract yet another candidate from our talons.

The Eagles kept pretty mum about their desires, like a teenager gazing at the quarterback from afar.  Denver, however, was standing by the Packers’ locker room entrance last week with a contract for Trgoac and their legs spread as wide as the sea.  Assuming the Packers would lose to the Bears last Sunday–they didn’t–Broncos head coach John Fox was completely primed to usher Trgovac into his fold.  However, with Green Bay being one of the only two teams still playing football, league rules specify that the man can’t be touched until the last down of the Superbowl.

After that, hunting season opens.  And everybody wants to bag a Trgovac.

Oh. stop freaking out.  Andy Reid is relaxed, but that may be because he just got back from a Caribbean vacation.  With the new hire still not hired and the overwhelming stack of fat jokes Phil Sheridan left on his desk, you’d think the man would be taking the opportunity to freak the hell out.  But he’s calm as ever behind that mustache, probably waiting to play a game of quickdraw with the Broncos and whoever else is waiting by the phone for the football season to end.

In the mean time, actual bald eagles will continue being indestructible.