Eagles Apologize for Dominant, Encouraging Win

"It'll be tough," the quarterback continued. "But we'll have to find a way to outfuck ourselves against them."...

Michael Vick waves to unfortunately enthusiastic fans on Sunday.

The 4-8 Eagles entered week 14 as underdogs against the lowly Miami Dolphins, but managed to pull out a win that could possibly have saved what has been a season of familiar disappointment and bitterness. Players and coaches alike took to the media to begin damage control for what appeared to be any sort of progress.

“I just don’t want people getting the wrong idea,” QB Michael Vick stressed in a post game interview. “We are the same gut wrenchingly disappointing bunch of underperformers we’ve always been. We worked out to build that image, and I’d hate to let a highly positive performance like Sunday’s against the Dolphins ruin that.”

The Eagles, who no one expected to be where they are in the standings, have had a difficult time meeting fan expectations in the past. Though there were concerns going into the season that they would succeed in some way, by Week 14, Philadelphia has found themselves in the warm embrace of citywide criticism.

“Leaving the field on Sunday, I was struck by this strange sense of satisfaction,” coach Andy Reid recalled with a shudder. “Like, for once I felt like we’d all done everything we could to win, instead of getting in our own way and shitting the bed for 60 minutes.”

Talks of Reid’s inevitable removal as head coach were put aside temporarily, as the Dolphins’ loss ignited the departure of their head coach, Tony Sparano.

“I’m devastated,” Reid mumbled through his mustache. “That should have been me.”

“This is a message for the fans,” said defensive coordinator Juan Castillo. “I promise you: I have no idea what I am doing out there. I hope our recent victory won’t stop you from shouting your own thoughts on how we should be playing from the stands or at your televisions.”

The Eagles’ next matchup will be against the New York Jets, another team that has faced high expectations, but always found a way to elude them.

“Next week’s emotionally devastating loss will be really important to us,” Vick reiterated. “I want the fans to know we’re the same Eagles we’ve always been.”

“It’ll be tough,” the quarterback continued. “But we’ll have to find a way to outfuck ourselves against them.”