*Sad trombone*

You may not recognize Danny Califf without his face buried in shame.  The Philadelphia Union defender just missed a goal from 18 yards out; also, there was no goalie in the goal; the goalie, of course, being the guy on the team who stops the ball from going in the net.

“It doesn’t do a lot to sit and dwell on what you can’t change.”  –Danny Califf

Yes, that’s true, Danny.  That is a good attitude, one usually adopted by those who have just mightily shit their bed.

“In a 2-0 Union defeat, [D.C. United forward] Allsopp netted his third and fourth goals of the season to become the second player in August to double his total goal count at the expense of the Union.”  –Philly Inquirer

Boy that is just unchangeably bad.  Let’s switch to a more uplifting sports organization.

The Sixers (Editor’s note: That’s not a great start) lost a lot this year (Editor’s note: ……).  Simple math will teach us that 27 wins in an 82 game season is not the recipe for success, or respect, or even really anything worth remembering.  The human mind can only hold so much, and the 2009-10 Sixers are not worth your brain cells.  So stop thinking about them, even if I do keep talking about them. Because this week, there is enough devastating loss on the Philadelphia sports horizon that your concerns should be saved for the incoming future, not the irreversible past.

The Sixers, reflecting on said failures, captured a new leader in president Rod Thorn.  Thorn and Sixers GM Ed Stefanski were the last two people to achieve some kind of success in the New Jersey Nets organization.

If they could coax some smiles into that state, they must be a one-two punch worth turning into a fist.  Thorn alone has enough management-nuggets saved up in his head to aid the Sixers, their new coach, and their new attitude toward a more acceptable 2010 season.

Vengeance, it seems, is a dish best served now.  Which is probably on the mind of Brett Myers, ex-Phillies pitcher, current Astros pitcher, and sort of like that douchey older brother of one of your friends who bought you your first beers, but charged you $30 for a six pack of Natty and drank two of them on the way home.  When you asked him “What the hell,” he just thrusted in the direction of your sister and punched you in the face.

‘Ol Brett will be showing his face in Philly for the first time since he was traded, and he’s got revenge on his mind.  However, also like that friend of your brother, everyone in Philly’s pretty much forgotten about him and doesn’t really care that he’s back; though that won’t stop him from trying to make a big deal out of it.

Also along for the ride will be J.A. Happ, whose trade was much more recent and people actually noticed.  Roy Oswalt, who pitched the majority of a shut out against the Nationals yesterday, was the prize from that deal, and with all the dealings we do with the ‘Stros, mainly due to former Phils GM Ed Wade now GM-ing in Houston, it is not surprise that the upcoming four game series will have us facing two of our former own.

Thankfully, Houston is terrible this year, and in the throes of a playoff race, the Phillies are 22-7 since July 22.  I don’t want to put a jinx on anything, but if there was ever a time to stomp on the throats of a team whose best case scenario is to play the bratty spoiler, even if it means embarrassing guys we used to cherish (Or in Myers’ case, shrug at), now is that time.

So while we assume the Phillies will achieve monumental success like always, and maybe Brett Myers will get trapped somewhere, the Eagles have supplied the humiliating loss for the week.

“Humiliating,” is such an ugly word, though.  Though we can all agree that as long as Chad Ochocinco is all right, everything’s cool.

“Man Im sick of getting hit like that , its the [explitive] preseason [explitive]! 1day I’m gone jump up and start throwing hay makers , #Tylenolplease.”  –Ochocinco’s Twitter

Shit.

Well, some would probably argue that when you’re playing football, and you’re given the football, chances are getting hit is part of your job.  The pre-season, where sure, the games the don’t count in the standings, count for another reason.  People are trying to make the team.  And if any defender on an opposing squad saw someone catch the ball and thought, “You know, it’s just the pre-season.  I can probably let that slide,” they would probably not make their team, for the same reason that a police officer would be bad at his job if he didn’t stop a mugging just because he was off duty.

This is the NFL, not MLB.  You don’t play like 30 games before the season even starts.  You play four, and some guys have jobs on the line.  You can’t just walk into training camp after missing half the pre-season and expect to make the squad.

"What? Of course you can."

Here’s to a week of slightly less failures in Philadelphia!

Oh god.  Brett Myers just struck out the side.

Images courtesy of Lisa Sabin-Wilson and Backpost.