I probably know more about actual bald eagles than I do the Philadelphia Eagles:  They’re majestic; they’re precise, devastating hunters; they’re delicious.  But with the team the Eagles are assembling this offseason, they look to emulate their namesake more accurately than ever before.

I am not threatening to eat the Philadelphia Eagles.  

With the NFL lockout a thing of the past, we have the next few months to watch highly-touted free agents scatter like thousand-dollar bills in the wind.  Chad Ochocinco and Albert Haynesworth soared off to New England, Peyton Manning was locked up for five more years in stoic Indianapolis, and the Eagles have gone insane, building a roster that won’t not be endlessly compared to the Miami Heat.  By their own players, I mean.

But with all these guys–Jason Babin, Cullen Jenkins, Nnamdi Asomugha–about to spend 16 games getting dissected on WIP, someone is going to have to lose.  Once again, that person is Kevin Kolb.

O hai Kevin.

Kolb, who couldn’t even stop playing with himself long enough to have an appropriate picture on Wikipedia, has long forgotten his glory days: Tearing it up as the sixth-best quarterback in the 2007 draft he was undoubtedly engaged in all of the fruits of hot shot athletedom: doing coke off of boobs, forging an unlikely bond with an outrageous caricature of Al Pacino, breaking his arm in just the right spot to throw a 110+ mph fastball, and all the other things sports movies have taught us can happen.

Fate seemed ready to hand Philadelphia over to Michael Vick, costing Kolb his starting QB job, and when it came to dump some the team’s salary in the Arizona desert, it seemed that Kevin’s was the obvious choice.  Kevin agreed.

“I just kind of always marked [Arizona] down as one of my favorites.  Kept in the back of mind, it just so happened that when they had a need I had a need.”

Kevin

Yes, Kevin Kolb and the Arizona Cardinals are currently running toward each other in slow motion on a beach.

It didn’t take Kevin long to find a podium and start with the obligatory “This Place is Great” comments, which everyone saw through because he was in Arizona and probably surrounded by deadly snakes.  But he also took the opportunity to bash Philly, after looking around to make sure he was nowhere near it anymore.

“At his press conference, Kolb stated that he was impressed with how clean the Phoenix-area was, and followed it up with, ‘Granted, I was coming from Philadelphia.'”

LOLadelphia

Of course, LOLadelphia makes a good point when it confirms that yes, certain large parts of Philadelphia are patrolled by walls of garbage blowing in the wind and that maybe if you wandered out of a bar every once in a while and cleaned up some of these PBR cans and used needles we wouldn’t have earned the ire of the NFL’s Arizona Cardinalest quarterback.

But if you are offended by Kevin’s words, just remember that he has a dumb mustache and probably won’t amount to anything.