Yes, Michael! Run from your feelings! Hurry!

The Eagles shoot down to Atlanta this weekend for a little bird-on-bird action.  First, picture what it would like if an eagle and a falcon fought each other in nature.  Every time I do it they have a short exchange in the air, then decide their powers would be put to better use if they combined them, and then come after me, screeching like demons.

But the important thing in this story isn’t our own private night terrors, it’s the fact that Michael Vick is returning to the team that he called home all those years before all that stuff happened that everybody REALLY REALLY cared about but now doesn’t anymore because he turned out to still be good.

So, do we need to be worried about Vick getting together with his ex?  No, of course not.  We’re not even going to ask him to call.  I mean he should call.  Common courtesy.  I feel like its expected by now.  But if he forgets its no big deal.  He’ll be back.  Probably.  Wearing an Eagles uniform.  Probably.

Come on, he went down there in 2009 and everything turned out fine.  Remember he passed for a touchdown and ran in for one?  As a backup.  It was a swift cleaving, 34-7.  And afterward he even shared his true feelings.

“I will always remember that day, and not for the plays I made.  That was just a fraction of the joy I felt that day. It’s just the appreciation from the Atlanta Falcons fans I felt that day, even though I was in a Philadelphia Eagles uniform.”

–Michael Vick

You see, there’s nothing to–

Wait, no.  That’s not–come on.  What?  Did he say that?  He really bothered to throw in “…and not for the plays I made”?

Is that what we are to you, Michael?  “A fraction”?  I’m no math whiz, but fractions, I think, are pretty small.

I just I don’t even

“I’m so thankful to be in Philly right now. I know things happen for a reason. Maybe it was meant for me to be here. I couldn’t have landed in a better city, a better place.”

–Michael Vick

WELL I THINK WE’RE A LITTLE PASSED THAT MICHAEL.

Did you seriously stand in front of a microphone and tell Atlanta after beating their brains in that they mean more to you than Philadelphia?

Come on, we’re… we’re great.  We’re the town with the problem where swarms of angry teenagers materialize from nowhere and tear shit apart.  Some towns have earthquakes.  And dangerous spiders. Or not Chase Utley.

Look we’re obviously insecure enough already.

“I was young when I was in Atlanta. The structure was just a little different.”

–Michael Vick

Oh, so this is an age thing?  Really, Michael?  Trying to recapture some of that glory that never was?  Do you feel like you owe them something?!  You’re in Philadelphia now.  How are you even still thinking about them?  Your focus should be beating the Cowboys, meeting our insanely high expectations, and dodging runaway trolley cars.

I don’t see what–look, its all right if you don’t want to meet all of our parents.  Okay?  Is that what this is about?

Is it?  Just tell us so we can fix it.

“This is my home, this is where I want to be. I’m just thankful for that.”

–Michael Vick

*blinking back tears*

…really?

“There’s no need to talk about the past.  Just move forward.”

–Michael Vick

You’re right.  Let’s just bury this next to that… that other stuff we’re pretending to have forgotten about.  It’s just like my grandfather always said, “If you’re too much of a coward to get out of a relationship, just bury all of your emotions until you’re an absolute wreck and do something awful.”   He wrote that in the note we found after he was arrested for driving his pickup truck into a rectory.

We feel so much better.  Glad we hashed all that out.  And now for a life time of shameful denial and tunnel vision.

“I think I can say this now, because it’s not going to hurt anybody’s feelings, and it’s the truth… I didn’t want to come to Philadelphia.”

–Michael Vick

Love you too, buddy.