It’s not, really. I’ve just been hot and pissed off all day thinking about this fucking debt ceiling / S&P downgrade and all this weather that can’t decide whether or not it wants to rain or dry out like the desert.
Either way, it’s August and instead of continuing to infuriate myself over the fact that the government can’t balance a checkbook, I’m going to honor a seasonal tradition: eat a shit ton of watermelon and drink.
If you’re anything at all like me, you might have already bought way too much watermelon this season. But shit, that fruit is the fruit of the holy heat-wave gods. Anytime the temperature sneaks past ninety, the only thing I want in this world is cold booze and watermelons.
If you also like booze and watermelons, here are three ways that you can combine both in a delicious record-breaking-heat-fuck-your-debt-ceiling mix of both.
1) Watermelon Beer.
I don’t want to tread all over 21st Amendment’s Come Hell or High Watermelon but for those of you that like a little more hop to your gulp, you can easily re-create the wheel to better suite your beer taste:
Grab whatever leftover watermelon you have and cut into 1/4” by 1/4” cubes. You don’t have to be precise—mostly this just looks pretty, but frankly, I really don’t care how you choose to cut up your own watermelon.
Next, throw the cubed watermelon into a ice cube tray or plate (evenly place cubes about 1/4” away from one another if you go the plate route) and wait until the pieces of watermelon are entirely frozen. Pry off of plate/tray and place into a cooled glass. Then, pour your personal favorite Saison, IPA, Pale Ale—whichever (your choice) over the watermelon cubes. Enjoy tasty, watermelon beer… and also the beer soaked pieces of watermelon left at the bottom which I encourage you to savor.
2) Watermelon Gin and Ginger Ale
This next one requires either a blender or a juicer (either will suffice), about three or four limes, and a liter or so of ginger ale as well as a watermelon.
Cut up a quarter to a half of a watermelon and process pieces through either juicer/blender. The juice will look more like a puree, which is perfectly fine—if you prefer, you can remove the pulp by pouring through a strainer. Set aside watermelon juice.
If you have a shaker, that’s optimal, but if not be sure to fill your glass about ¾ of the way full with ice. Slice limes in quarters and cut a small slit in the middle to allow limes to sit on the rim of the glass as a garnish.
Pour 1-2 shots of gin over ice, then about ½ cup of ginger ale (if you can pull off the first two steps at once, do so), followed by about ¼ cup of the watermelon juice. Sprinkle with lime juice (optional)
3) Drunk Watermelon (Vodka)
If you have any wine or beer corks, grab them. This last one is the easiest way to drink your leftover watermelon.
Cut a hole one of the sides of the watermelon (hole should be just short in depth as your cork is in length [that’s what she said]) and slowly pour an entire fifth of vodka in. If you have a funnel, use that son of a gun, if not, carefully pour in and wait for the fruit to absorb the vodka until the entire fifth is gone.
Place back in the fridge, hole side up. Leave for about an hour, slice over a bowl (save that juice for shooters!) and eat/get drunk.