Shane Victorino fell down recently, but that’s not why he needs your help. The Phillies center fielder/human blur is once again up for the final spot on the National League All-Star Team, and his Hawaiian fury, blurry legs, and pebble-sized attention span aren’t going to get him there alone. Or in the case of some of those things, at all. Vote for Shane here, an unlimited number of times. He is already winning.
He needs the will of the people on his side, and fortunately here in Philadelphia, our support for our athletes is overwhelming of both human behavior and normal ways to feel about things. We don’t feel “passionate” or “spirited” about our teams; real words aren’t good enough, so we prefer to feels things like “hitsplosion” and “fangasm.” We’ll need every one of our made-up terms to get Shane back where he belongs: Major League Baseball All-Star Game in Phoenix, AZ on July 12.
Some would argue that due to a recent thumb injury, where Shane actually belongs is the hospital. But those people are probably fans of other teams, cowering in their terror of what the Phillies have become.
“Please, don’t let more Phillies onto the All-Star team!” they cry, their eyes filling with tears and their children failing to respect them in any capacity. But it is not our fault all of our players are so great (There are already four Phillies on the team, including the first time ever that three Philadelphia pitchers were elected).
There are five players nominated for the final spot, and every one of them is a coward except for Shane. There’s Todd Helton of Colorado, who is old and tired. There’s Michael Morse of Washington who nobody’s heard of yet. There’s Andre Ethier of Los Angeles who plays for the Dodgers. There’s even Ian Kennedy, who Michael Morse hasn’t even heard of. Each one has a single despicable personality trait that unmakes any of their very meek “accomplishments.”
Yes, the only true vote is for Shane. The fans have allied with American League fans to do a joint vote for Shane and the Detroit Tigers’ Victor Martinez. He’s okay I guess. The real focus, though, should be on our beloved centerfielder, with the heart of pineapple. Watch him hit a home run without leaving the yard. See him support his teammates with every last thread of his sanity. Witness him give to his hometown as if he never left. Laugh merrily as he stalks and pies Brian Schneider for hitting a game-winning home run.
He is baseball at its Hawaiianest. And he deserves your love.
UPDATE: Maybe making up words and pleading isn’t enough to convince you. How about two straight days of Tastykakes? Spike Eskin just announced that the first two people to get to the Tastykake Factory by 5 pm today get to vote for Shane around the clock until the deadline Thursday at 4 pm. You will be competing with each other to see who can do it the most times, and winner gets two tickets Sunday’s game and on-the-field acknowledgement of your work by Dan Baker. The other person gets a Shane jersey. Email Spike (email@example.com) and hop on the Broad Street line to get started.