Chase Utley handsomed his way to the batter’s box for the first time in 2011 last night, where he fell victim to a deafening clap-splosion from the largest gathering Citizens Bank Park has ever hosted. This moment was led up to by several easily definable fan reactions.
“I’ve been stalking Chase Utley for years now, so I can tell you with eerie certainty that he has never looked better. Nor has his wife and dog. In fact, everybody in the Utley household is at the top of their game. I’ve discovered that simply walking into their house instantly makes you a better person. I can’t describe it. Its like being in a cloud of maggots–but in a good way, like they’re eating all the dead, repulsive skin and character traits you possess. Here, I sketched some pictures of what its like.”
(Hands you a portfolio of disgusting, crudely drawn pictures.)
“Yeah, I call it the ‘best friends’ collection. Anyways, I don’t think there’s a chance the Phillies don’t win every game for the rest of the season. By 20 runs. Wait, no–40. Yeah. I mean, think about it. The Phillies have been in first place since day one. And now they’re getting Chase Utley back in their lineup? That’s not even fair. No wonder the other teams have just given up hope. You done with those pictures?”
(Snatches pictures back from you.)
“Sorry, I… I just don’t like to be apart from him–uh, from them–for very long. So how many homer-runs do you think he’ll hit tonight?”
“What’s that? Its ‘home runs’? Ha, ha. Sorry. I actually don’t know a whole lot about Chaseball.”
“I know its ‘baseball.’ What did I say? ‘Chaseball’? Ha, ha, ha. Ha.”
(Stares at one picture in particular for very long time)
“This… this one’s my favorite.”
“I don’t even really care that much.”
(Quickly closes browser windows of Chase Utley-related articles)
“Honestly, people think he’s going to walk in here and get us 20 runs a game, they’re delu–”
(Cell phone vibrates, makes alert sound of Harry Kalas saying “Chase Utley, you are the man!!” but is quickly shut off)
“…delusional. I mean, its not even fair to get excited. I like the guy, but we did okay without him and now there’s all this unfair pressure on him to be perfect.”
(Computer monitor goes to screen saver of rotating Chase Utley mosaic made of hundreds of tiny Chase Utley pictures before entire computer is shoved off desk.)
“Oh gosh… that pregame montage with his first Major League hit and HK calling him ‘The Man’ and the deek to first in the ’08 Series… you know what? All those irrational conclusions we’re making are totally plausible. Do you think the Phillies are all best friends? Yes. They have to be. I’ll bet they had a Rock Band-themed sleepover after they all saw The Hangover Part 2. And then Shane’s parents had to be called because he demanded everyone stay awake and watch him play “Less Talk More Rock” on expert until he got 100%.
Remember when Chase said ‘World Fucking Champions’?
So glad I blocked off the rest of this afternoon for swooning.”
Carefully Researched Nerdgasms
“When we consult the numbers, we can see that Chase Utley is neither Wilson Valdez, nor Pete Orr. He also saves puppies in his free time. Therefore, we can deduce that he is a superhero.”
(Jumps through nearby window wearing cape.)