For years, a loyal contingency of hip Americans in tight pants have tried to convince us that soccer is neat.

“Meh,” we say, shrugging and watching 2 Fast 2 Furious on USA for the fourth time this week.  “Its just not very interesting.”

“It’s interesting to every other country in the world!!!” they shout so indignantly we wonder why we are friends with them in the first place.  This is the liveliest debate two men watching basic cable in the middle of the day have ever had.

Not even the World Cup could really draw us into the sport too deeply.  One minute, Landon Donovan was running around with the Flaming Lips playing in the background, and the next we were watching Ghana players flop over like beached seals in just a real classy attempt to run out the clock (Which in soccer is totally allowed.  Not helping the cause, Ghana).

So now, it seems to be up to FOX Soccer, which looks to bring the world unbridled coverage of Major League Soccer, which yes, exists in the United States, and yes, features a team from Philadelphia.  But seeing as how the country has been so reluctant to embrace ballkickery as a concept outside of the internet, Fox’s chosen method of seducing you will be to choke you to death with buzzwords.

LOL INTERNETZ

Things FOX Soccer will be including to make their “slick new package” of Soccer Night in America great:

  • “Re-designed, state-of-the-art graphics.”  (Just kidding, we’re going to put up that same dancing robot from NFL coverage we’ve had for 10 years)
  • “Super slow-motion camera technology.”  (To pick up all that shit you missed in slo-mo)
  • “Digital, real-time 3D and virtual graphic displays.”  (Who doesn’t love scrambling to find 3D goggles)
  • “A crisp, 21st Century look.”  (In case you’re sick of that blurry 18th century aesthetic we’re known for)

It’s called “Soccer Night in America,” and you can’t stop it, no matter how much you don’t pay attention.  The new American mainstay cracks open tonight, with the Portland Timbers hosting the Philadelphia Union.

You could tune in.  But FX recently picked up the rights to The Day the Earth Stood Still, and you love anything that features Jon Hamm in a minor role.