The Eagles learned last week that you just can’t steal people’s attention if you’re not equipped for the job. Sparking a ratings battle last week when the Phillies were “writing history” as the Eagles were “trying to stop being a .500 team” on 8pm Sunday night, the birds were taking on the hottest act on the Philly sports scene, unless you count watching the mayor of Atlanta tearfully raise a San Francisco Giants flag over city hall in disgrace.
But you probably don’t, so chances are if you’re aware of sports, Philadelphia, or awesome things, you know that the Phillies are the destroyers of worlds. They just finished cleaning the Reds off their windshield, and at home in Citizens Bank Park Saturday night, the re-calibrated Roy Halladay opens the 2010 NLCS with what will most likely be the first of many humiliating strike outs. For both teams.
So, seeing as how the Wings may drive people to burglarize a school, and you already know so much about the Phillies, a-hole, why don’t we check in with our old friends the Sixers whose pre-season has just gotten underw–
OH MY GOD EVERYONE’S DEAD.
Andres Nocioni, Spencer Hawes, and now Marreese Speights has gone down after an incident with some Raptors. So when Doug Collins envisioned a return to Philadelphia, he probably saw himself wearing a suit, shouting at players, and some third thing an NBA coach does. He probably didn’t expect to be surrounded by a thickening circle of corpses.
Not only that, but if you ask a dumb person, they’ll tell you that Evan Turner was a total bust and Jrue Holiday is not a compatible enough fit for them to be effective on the court. It’s a common rumor infecting every sports’ pre-season featuring a rookie phenom: No, no. The guy’s a bust. This is all wrong. Did you see those four exhibition games? He was so not the greatest thing I’ve ever seen, so let’s just do what we always do and knock him unconscious, put a burlap sack over his face, and leave him in that same patch of woods we left Eddie Jordan.
But that’s not going to happen, because Turner is still very much in the starting gate of his NBA career. This is like abandoning ship because you saw an iceberg on the horizon. Assuming the worst, however, is a character trait indicative of fans who witnessed their team win less than 30 games last season. So you’ll have to bare with us as we help each other make a big stupid deal out of this.
Remember Deshawn Snow from TV’s “The Real Housewives of Atlanta”? Me neither. Is that a game show? What is that.
Anyways, her husband is going to be sliding into the chair next to Marc Zumoff this season and providing color commentary. The reason for this is probably because her husband is Eric Snow, the ex-Sixer who guarded Kobe Bryant to within an inch of his life, started a prominent Ohio charity organization, and once screamed in the face of Paul Silas.
He’s also divorced from Deshawn.
But, Snow was a big part of Larry Brown’s back court, and his emphasis on defense and passing complemented the skills of teammate Allen Iverson, whose ability to carry the entire rest of the team on his back was key in their 2001 Eastern Conference trophy.
So this season, we will be entertained by the thoughtful analysis of a man whose spent the “…best and most enthusiastic years of my NBA career with this organization and its fans.”
Well, if things keep going this injury-intensive way, Snow’s job is going to be more akin to an ME than a commentator. Zumoff’s job won’t be any easier, as he narrates the story, pausing every few days or so to shoot another commercial where he jumps out of something and asks people to buy Sixers ticket packages.
Doug Collins sure isn’t stressing over Eric Snow being in the booth! But that’s because that would make no sense. Where Collins truer, realer terrors lie is in the question, “Why is the bench so much better than the starters?” But Doug assures us: “I work 12 to 14 hours a day trying to find the best things I can do.” Behind him, his wife sobbed gently into her hands as she realized their children would once again be raised by herself and an empty chair at the dinner table.
Well, maybe this is why everyone is watching the Phillies or being seduced by Panasonic and Sebastien Le Toux; the Sixers’ pre-season isn’t the comeback story of the year yet, so why not continue to distract ourselves while we have the chance? Look, its Simon Gagne!
Oh, he’s gone.