The Terrible Things That Happen in Our House

In a group of children that big, you know there's got to be a biter in there....


They are the anti-life.  When handled individually, they are frantic, messy, and underfoot, and the focus needed just to keep them alive is overwhelming.  When herded into large groups, or “classrooms,” children often influence the behavior of those around them, and all it takes is one or two sneering tykes placed strategically amongst the rest, and the next thing you now, they’ve gone from 30 unique disasters to a single maelstrom of shouting, squirming, and probably biting.  In a group that big, you know there’s got to be a biter in there.

Philadelphia Union captain Danny Califf braved this particular terror with an appearance at a local school in the land of drunken kitten-squashers. The smile quickly evacuated from his face, however, when Califf was slapped with a slew of blistering inquiries, such as “What is your favorite thing about soccer?” and “Is it a miracle to play for the Union?”

Cool under pressure, unlike that one time, Califf reminded the squirts, “If you’re not having fun, there is no point in doing it.”

At which point every child immediately scrambled from the room via the nearest door, window, or vent shaft, because I don’t know if you remember but SCHOOL SUCKS! NICKELODEON RULES!

But we barely have time to address the loose and undoubtedly feral-by-now children running around Delaware County screaming Danny Califf’s name.  Did you know that many “experts” predicted a repeat match up for this year’s MLB World Series?  It’s true; according to an unfathomable volume of suit-wearers before the playoffs even began, our Phillies and those Yankees were destined, like star-crossed haters, to collide once more in the 2010 October Classic.

Well, the Yankees have recently failed entirely in this respect, and are headed on home to their castles, party yachts covered in lazy hookers, or messy bedrooms in their parents’ houses with Nickelback’s “How You Remind Me” blaring; depending on if they are Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, or Nick Swisher, respectively.

The Phillies, after pulling out a dignity-win in San Francisco on Thursday, have returned to Philadelphia, one loss from elimination, though with a rejuvenated chance to set things right.  Now, before you say, “Oh, come on.  Look at these Phils.  They’ve won their division three years straight, and the league two years straight, and the World Series once.  Do we even–”

OF COURSE we care.

Fans wave rally towels as Philadelphia Phillies starting pitcher Roy Oswalt throws in the first inning against the San Francisco Giants during Game 2 of their Major League Baseball NLCS playoff series in Philadelphia, October 17, 2010. REUTERS/Brian Snyder (UNITED STATES - Tags: SPORT BASEBALL IMAGES OF THE DAY)

We're PISSED OFF because our players are so damn BLURRY.


Let me shine a little light on these Giants.  They’re getting pretty uppity.  At first, this NLCS was touted as a series of religious pitching matchups, and truly you saw some of the best in baseball.  But San Francisco is making it personal, and their fan base, foreign to most form of athletic success, does not know how to react to the… we”ll say “lovingly harsh” nature of Philadelphia sports fans.

Take this piece from the San Jose Mercury, in which we are chastised because our stadium is named after Citizens Bank, and they are a bank that forecloses on people’s homes.  Or this one, in which a guy at the San Francisco Chronicle read the San Jose Mercury one and did pretty much the exact same thing.

Yes, instead of celebrating their first playoff run in seven years, the Giants writers have decided to pick apart all those Philly myths they’ve been reading other cities’ newspapers make fun of for the past four years.  So many terrible things have occurred in Citizens Bank Park, you’d think they’d be a little more creative in their cliches.

We’ve been called out in newspapers before.   There barely needs to be a lit fuse before the fans of Philadelphia are exploded in publications across the universe.

What’s most offensive in either piece is the journalism.  Both authors brazenly throw out points that are unresearched, completely fabricated, or they heard from a guy at a party once from someone who’d had a quick layover in Philly.

These people suck because they’re showing up late to the insult party and started going through the trash to find their A-material.

Of course, the Philadelphia press corps isn’t soaking in maturity and professionalism (Reuben Frank, on Tennessee Titants QB Kerry Kollins: “Wow, this guy really is old.”  Oh, and here’s an Eagles blog I just found called “Bird Droppings“).

Tonight, the Phillies step back onto the dirt in Citizens Bank Park for some of that good old fashioned repulsive behavior.  You heard Jimmy.  If you were ever going to be all those terrible things they say we are, tonight’s the night.

And if all else fails, just sic that wandering pack of children on them.  Or we could just hire Dunta Robinson to do to the Giants what he did to DeSean Jackson last week.