Many weeks ago, the NHL and Stan Lee announced they would be designing superheroes based on each of the 30 NHL teams for merely the sake of awesomeness. We could only guess what the Flyers’ new rep would resemble. An intoxicated fan, constantly in mid-rampage? A crack-fueled homeless man with the power of song? The Phillie Phanatic, but wearing orange and able to spew fire bombs out of his face-funnel?!
The “NHL Guardians,” as they are being called, have been slowly released, one by one, over the past few weeks, culminating in a video during the NHL All-Star Game on January 30. Until then, The Flyer, as he has been creatively monickered, will need some place to stay. He has a wide range of powers, including a pet titanium eagle and the ability to totally lose his shit “… like his fellow Philadelphians.”
I was unfortunate enough to have a cragislist ad for a new roommate out here on the internet when he was looking for a place to crash.
Greetings. I am new to your region and require a hideout. Your offer is reasonable. I demand further information. My identity must remain a secret.
Subject: RE: apartment
I realized the risk involved in looking for a roommate on craigslist, and honestly, you–the guy who used “hideout” instead of “apartment” and actually signed off with a question mark–are the sanest response I got.
So, without making me regret this, what do you do? Hobbies? Interests?
Subject: RE: RE: apartment
SILENCE! If you must know, this is The Flyer. Tell no one. I have come to your city to expunge the filth from its bowels.
I require sufficient air space for my titanium eagle to rehearse war-dives. If this is not plausible, make it so. Do not contact me again until your work is complete.
I will also be paying my portion of the rent in crime fighting.
Subject: RE: RE: RE: apartment
Clearly insane person,
Boy, you really made me regret that in a big hurry. The room is $650/month, and yeah, I will accept nothing but American currency for it. Also you will not have it.
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: apartment
I am of stable mind, Philadelphian, and with my x-ray vision, I have already searched your dwelling for traps. You seem to be a relatively normal individual with a slightly chronic masturbation problem. Using my powers of telekinesis, I can also answer the question currently clanging off the insides of your human head: Yes, I am staring at you right now.
I think we can agree that America, while great, is fucking awful; namely because of the money that is demanded in exchange for living indoors. I ask you to reconsider your financially-centered offer and accept my terms. Otherwise, I will be forced to take drastic, winged action on your modestly priced two bedroom.
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: apartment
No, see, we’re done emailing each other. You don’t get the apartment. Sorry if there was any confusion.
PS-How dare you refer to masturbation as a “problem.”
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: apartment
If it is references you require, I have several:
- The Predator: Sabretooth tiger with the power of matter ingestion!
- Peter LaViolette: South Jersey resident with the power of screaming at you!
- The Devil: Not actual biblical devil, but can breathe fire and has horns and is a devil.
- The Bruin: Family friend/shrieking bear who can predict the future.
I expect/demand confirmation of my living quarters within the hour.
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: apartment
I have not heard from you in weeks, and therefore assume we are in agreement that I move in immediately. If the apartment’s value should drop when I come crashing through your bedroom window with all of my belongings this evening, followed of course by my sentient, war-diving, titanium eagle, I will not cover the damage.
Subject: the police
I’ve called them.