Phreak Show: A Hot Blast of Justice

Getting dropped off in Philly can be kind of intrusive....

Getting dropped off in Philly can be kind of intrusive.


So you might have to be a bit careful with Roy Oswalt, who comes from a Houston fanbase, where he meets the Astros beat writer for drinks twice a week and each home game means 10,000 well behaved fans are going to tolerate a night of ‘Stros-ball.  Now that the devilish Phillies netted him, he’s stepped purposefully into contention… but also, a spotlight.  Run by insane clowns.

He may be one of baseball’s top ten pitchers, but our aggressive media base and aggressiver fans can be unsettling to watch, let alone experience firsthand.  So yes, any seasoned Phillie knows that, if things get bad enough, anyone can be subject to booing, even Sponge Bob Squarepants.

Thee legitimate aces and a rookie phenom in Domonic Brown (2-3, 2 R, 2 RBI in his major league debut) for the second half is enough sink our teeth into the Braves and drag them screaming back down into the NL East.

And if you were waking up in a pool of sweat and vomit over the Andre Iguodala + Team USA anxiety I undoubtedly sparked in you last week, excrete no further fluids.  The Sixers forward survived the first sweep of cuts, as the total number of players went down to 15, before inevitably settling on 12 later this week.  Iguodala is that much closer to apparently majestic play–notably defense–on the world’s stage.  Which certainly is… a stage.

Stateside, Coach Doug Collins is on a stranger quest: to seek out Elton Brand, and tell him that he’s not that bad.  Come on, back Elton.  You want some ice cream?

As polite as it is mock a man who suffered an Achilles tendon injury, this is in essence what the visit is about.  Brand has never turned the corner amidst continual rehab, and Collins wishes to inform him that he doesn’t have to the Sixers star, the way he might have been:

“He doesn’t have to be an All-Star, but he can be a winning player. He can do that.”

You can do it, Elton!  Nope, that’s mocking again.

Of course, what sort of home would he be coming home to?  The Wachovia Center doesn’t even exist anymore, leaving the Sixers and Flyers to wander helplessly into K Lot, where they will slowly die off one by one amidst requests for pictures and autographs by drunk Phillies tailgaters.

“OMFG aren’t you Danny Carcillo?!”

*Carcillo, weak from hunger, faceplants among a group of “totally iced” Penn students.  They wordlessly snap a few photos of his frail corpse before returning to their quates tournament.*

And here’s a great update from Down Goes Brown, a Toronto Maple Leafs blog:

“Due to difficult economic times, Philadelphia Flyer fans are now pelting our wives and children with pennies and nickels, instead of the much lighter dimes they used to throw.”

I think if you wrote a prequel to Mad Max, it would start with the fandom of Philadelphia sports franchises sparking an age of raw violence and habitual bloodletting that eventually levels the Earth.

There’s a climate change seeping into Eagles football, fronted by TE Brent Celek and middle LB Stewart Patrick.  The McNabb era was ending with a stagnant year backed by the continuous sound of a sad trombone.  The Eagles will be banking on Celek, the back from the dead Patrick, as well as fresh QB Kevin Kolb, receiver DeSean Jackson and back LeSean McCoy.

For starters, with an average age of 24.1, a good portion of the roster isn’t legally able to rent a car in California.  So they’re young’ns.  Which can help and hinder a team.

“If I didn’t think we could win the Super Bowl, I wouldn’t be standing here.”  –TE Brent Celek

Whoa, ho-ho.  Easy now.

The Eagles are also looking to wind up their newest kill toy and drop him on the defensive line. Their first round pick  DE Brendon Graham was locked into a five year deal just in time to be a part of Friday’s training camp fun times, including hitting people, and then hitting them even harder a second time.

Big news in Philadelphia Wings lacrosse as Bobby Snider was listed as one of Philly’s “sexy singles!”  Just kidding.  The big news is that the Wings got a new defensive coordinator in Tom Slate.

Just kidding.  There’s no big news with the Wings.

No, we’ll close with a delicious chunk of justice.  Matthew “Pukemon” Clemmens was sentenced to 1-3 months in prison for puking on an 11-year-old girl at a Phillies game, and will perform community service via cleaning the toilets at Citizens Bank Park.  This guy, along with Taser Douche and Drunken Child, really did his part in screwing us all over, image-wise, across the country.

So, the next time you’re regretting those last six lukewarm Miller Lites you found under your softball gear all over a CBP bathroom stall, remember: you’re doing it for a little girl.

Take that, you sick weirdo.