Anyone who knows me knows that my list of crushes is incredibly refined.  You must meet a mile-long list of criteria before my heart (or…) have any interest in you.  Those who do manage to gain my affection are the kind of girl that is fit for royalty: Courtney Love, Casey Anthony, some schizophrenic broad.  However, sometimes it would seem that my heart (and…) finds itself drunk and an embarrassing apple makes its way onto that list of infatuations.  Such a thing occurred earlier this evening.

I was embracing my inner fag… actually, most of my fagginess resides externally… Okay, so I was embracing my outer fag and watching the Style Network, when I came across the creature pictured above.  Her name is Whitney Whatley and she’s one half of one of the five mother-daughter (she’s 23, before you start jumping to conclusions) duos on Big Rich Texas, a show revolving around the premium vag-ed white trash of the Lone Star Sate.

Okay, so the show is really pretty terrible even by Captain Terrible’s standards, and not in the way that Jersey Shore and the OJ trial were terrible; this is about as exciting as watching grass grow and inspires the intellectual capacity of said grass at its peak of maturity.  But the lovely Ms. Whitney got my heart (and…) throbbing: her platinum hair, her trashy-cute flash tattoos, the fact that she has D-cups that she thinks are too small…  We can all agree that these are phenomenal attributes for a person to have, however, not a kitten with whom to be smitten do they make… quite.  But then I did a quick Google search and found Whitney’s website, Whit’s World, (which includes “Fotos” and leopard-print wallpaper) and found that Whit fancies herself an architect of attire (okay, maybe more like a director of the silk screen).  And in the “Shop” section I found the soon-available-for-purchase T-shirts pictured below… and the reason my heart (and…) is currently batty for Ms. Whit.

*So I realize this may warrant some mocking (feel free), but couldn’t you picture me and Whit as the Prince and Princess of a John Waters movie?