Analyzing Plaxico Burress’ Hat

What does it meeeaaaaaannn...?

As you may have seen, former New York Giant and butterfingers Plaxico Burress recently left prison wearing a hat.

Instead of wasting your time describing the completely normal situation that got him there, let us predict the talented football player’s future by gazing curiously at that thing on his head.

[Yahoo Sports]

…but what does it MEEEEAAAANN??

If your head just filled with several trillion questions, instantly ballooning it beyond four times it’s normal size, then congratulations!  You have what it takes to blog for Yahoo! Sports, NBC Sports, and a swath of online baseball-afterbirth.  Here on Philthy, however, we cover the real sports news, so allow us to release the strain on your cranium by addressing the most pressing of the inquiries currently seering a hole in your head.

What is this?  What’s happening?

Plaxico Burress has been released from jail, and the first thing he did was wear a Phillies hat!  News!

I don’t understand.  Aren’t the NBA and NHL championships being played right now?


Why the retro hat?

We can only assume that Plaxico’s sense of modern fashion has been seriously flawed by his time on the inside.  Just wait until he sees a car!

Does he think he will play for the Phillies?

“It’s a beautiful day to be reunited with my family,” Plaxico said upon his release.  I own many Phillies hats, and some have more sentimental value than others, but if Plaxico is close enough with this Phillies hat that he considers it ‘family’ then he has surpassed my fandom and harbors a closeness with his hats many of us can only dream about.


Will he play for the Phillies?

Not being a baseball player, one has to wonder how likely this scenario is.  Sure, “He probably just wants to play for the Eagles but wanted to use a degree of subtlety,” is what you’re saying right now, and possibly closing the browser window.  But given the stagnant nature of the Phillies offense, a reformed gun-wielding wide receiver might be the punch in the arm (Or the shot in the thigh!  Right?!  Right!) they need to get going, or become nervous, or whatever.

Where did he get the hat?

It looks pretty nice, so I want to say “a hat store,” but I’m not sure how much time he was given to peruse the Prison Hat Emporium, so let’s assume he’s been squirreling it away somewhere safe for a moment when his love and admiration of Philadelphia became too intense to control.

Will wearing the hat affect the executives who have the power to hire him?

Even as we speak, front officer staffers are scrambling to react to this development.  We live in a society of laws, and those laws are decided on by men in hats.  Hats are some of the biggest catalysts for change in society; placing them on our heads not only protects us from sun rays and lyme disease, but displays an epic statement of personal belief.  If we can’t–I’m actually going to shout this part–IF WE CAN’T MOVE SOCIETY FORWARD BY LOOKING AT EACH OTHER’S HATS, THEN WE ARE DOOMED.

So we thank Plaxico Burress, for illustrating the progress of human culture by indicating his utmost desire in the form of a Phillies hat.