Halloween 2012: while everyone is rushing to be adult-sized Honey Boo Boo or sticking it to the Republicans with Big Bird, most of us are left with the never ending dilemma of what everyone is NOT going to be this year. Naturally, so we can be the toast of the party–because, duh, that’s what being indie’s all about, right? Not to worry, here are a few suggestions–and Jesus Christ, they’re NOT sluttified!
Let’s be honest: you’re either being a full-on character or, better yet, being the best version of yourself inspired by a character. With that said, here are a few ground rules and tips:
- 1. Leave the girls at home–where they belong.
- Ladies, here’s a fun fact: most female characters–with the exception of a few femme fatales–actually kept their boobs in.
- Just listen to The Velvet Underground’s definition: “She’s going to smile to make you frown.” It’s NOT: she’s going to bust her tig-ol’-bitties to get you hard. Seriously, if you really think Little Red Riding Slut is a stellar idea, it kind of looks like you’re nodding to pedophilia. Not only that, you’re totally changing the story line. First off, the girl was probably ten years old–and are you insinuating she blew the Big Bad Wolf to avoid harm’s way? If you are set on being cheap, be a five-dollar-bill, or be an Extra Value Meal.
- Be a femme fatale who has made an impact with her brain–in this case, her va-jage. For this costume I am dressed as a member of the Russian Feminst punk band Pussy Riot.
- 2. Avoid hype costumes. Dig deeper.
- You might think this will narrow your options, but limitations can actually expand your horizons significantly. You want to be Lady Gaga–but that is so 2008. So why stop there? Why not be everyone else in pop culture who have influenced Gaga’s look: Grace Jones (see image on top), David Bowie, Amanda Lepore, Annie Lennox, Klaus Nomi. When it comes to finding something unique, dig deep. You may actually become a bit obsessed in your research.
- So how about it? The mommy and the daddy dance? This character doesn’t particularly have a name, but any Kids in the Hall fan would know everything there is to know about the desperate young fellow who has a CABBAGE FOR A HEAD.
- 3. Be pun-tastic. Be pun-taneous.
Jackie-O-Lantern! A Purrr-berry coat! Strawberry Drake! Democratic Jesus! If you are stuck between something classic and something modern, why not be both? For my final costume, I created the character Kabuki Mane. Yes, that is traditional Japanese Kabuki theater makeup, topped with Gucci Mane’s signature ice cream face tattoo–brrrrr!
So before you decide to be a naughty little bunny or Madonna for the millionth time in history, consider this: keep it classy, keep your shirt on, stay smart. You’ll get shit-faced, regardless, but there’s no harm in starting your night out with a little bit of dignity. On that note, Happy Halloween!
